File this under “Skynet is coming”. A robot has been created that can sense basic emotion and display basic emotion. My only thought…when they sense fear, that’s when they’ll make their move!
These will look cute in jack-boots
Sure, it starts as alittle toaster on legs. Pretty soon it’s armies of android enslavers.
Ride on Elevator Turns into Haitian Boat Outing
Attention all persons working in the building: THERE WILL BE ANOTHER ELEVATOR ALONG IN JUST A MOMENT.
Let me be clear about this, as some of you apparently don’t realize that THERE WILL BE ANOTHER ELEVATOR ALONG IN A MOMENT.
This means that we should follow a few basic rules of etiquette when waiting for or boarding an elevator.
1) There is a maximum occupancy rule for a reason. If the door opens and there are already 8 people on board it is not acceptable to smile cutely, make a comment about there always being room for one more, and force your way in to the already tightly packed sweat box. Even if you’re the hot chick from the law office on the 3rd floor. Especially you, hot chick. My fantasies about you don’t involve plummeting to my screaming demise in an overloaded death chamber.
2) If the door opens and there are people on-board DO NOT stand there and hold the door open for your co-workers who have not even left their offices yet. It freaking rude. If I could manage to figure out how to do so I’d shut the door on your arm.
3) Unless you are handicapped (and by this I don’t mean so fat you have to use a cane, Barbara) do not use the elevator to go just one floor.
4)Remember, this is not the last chopper out of Saigon. It’s not the last boat out of Haiti. It’s an elevator.
Armed Autonomous Robots!
well, not quite, but I can still file this article under “Skynet is Coming”
What Could Possibly Go Wrong?
This is a great one, and completely in line with my prediction that we will make wonderful slaves for our coming robot masters.
DARPA scientists are creating robots that can change their shapes to change their functionality. They may even create robots that can “FLOW LIKE MERCURY”. We’re Doomed!
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Office Memo: New Bathroom rules to Stay.
I’m the one who posted the rules outside the men’s room on the fourth floor. I did it and I’m not backing down. I mean, wtf? You guys on the 4th floor are like a bunch of Neanderthals and creeps. So, I posted the rules and anybody who disagrees has, most likely, wierd mommy issues stemming from improper potty training. Take a look:
Bathroom Rules:
1: Always make an effort to occupy an empty stall FURTHEST from any currently occupied stall.
Who could disagree with this one? There’s 5 stalls in the bathroom, If someone is sitting in the stall at the very end please, DO NOT sit yourself down in the stall next to them. It’s creepy and invasive…an activity reserved for toe-tapping congressmen…not co-workers.
2. Sitters are for shitters.
Pee in the urinals dickwads. I’m sick of opening the stall and finding that you freaks have urinated all over the sitters. If you have stage fright issues that bad then go see a shrink.
3. Flush the damn toilet.
Do you get up and leave your business in your toilet at home? Are you trying to make a statement as to your lack of respect for your coworkers? Flush the damned thing.
4. Don’t whistle.
This rule is specifically for the dude in the burgundy wingtips. You know who you are. You sit down in stall 2 every day at 9:30 a.m. and whistle while you do your business. Troubling! Stop it. For the love of God.
5. Don’t leave used Toilet Paper on the floor.
One of our third-world friends has apparently not yet been briefed on civilized plumbing. ‘Nuff said.
What among these rules is controversial? Maybe you restroom tards just don’t want to admit that you have issues. Anyways, the rule stay.
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Gay Pro Bass Fisherman Insists “Gay” Remain in his Title.
Richard Muston, a professional bass fisherman from Hot Springs, Arkansas, insists that reporters continue to put the word “gay” in front of “bass fisherman” and “fisherman” when referring to him in all media.
“It’s important that the barriers I’ve broken be recognized, and I’m not backing down from this” Mr. Muston insisted during an interview between outings at the mid-Atlantic bass Tournament this past weekend. “The fact that I could gain this level of success in the competitive bass fishing circuit serves as an example to homosexual fishermen everywhere. Gay or straight, bass fishing is about a meeting of equals on the water. Nobody should be excluded because of who they love.”
Mr. Muston wiped an actual tear from his eye as he held his rod aloft and pointed with it toward the lake, “I’ve struggled, struggled to make lakes like this a place for all fishermen. Is it so wrong to want a little credit for my pain?”
This issue arose when an article in the Op, Alabama Citizens Register omitted the “Gay” moniker in an interview with Mr. Muston during the Lower Alabama Bass Round-up.
“The article was about how weather affected the fishing action,” said report Skip Callis of the Register. “How was I supposed to know the dude was gay? What the hell?”
“This is about recognizing minority struggle, pure and simple. He didn’t even ask me about my sexual preference in the interview. I was very disappointed.” Mr. Muston angrily defended his demands, at one point sobbing that he would continue his struggle on behalf of all gay male children who wanted to grow up and become professional bass fishermen.
Standing on the dock near the judging stand I watched in silence as Richard Muston, Gay Bass Fisherman, started the motor of his Stratos Bass Boat, turned the bow into the wind, and rode out to battle once again. I couldn’t help but feel that in some way his struggle is a struggle that is shared by all of us.
Junior Executive Uses iPod to Avoid Eye Contact
Timmy Grafton, a junior executive at downtown accounting firm Goldfarb, Fitch and Rajvah, was seen again with his face buried in his iPod. This time, he was pretending to answer a text message on the elevator.
“I prefer Timothy, by the way.” Said Mr. Grafton when this reporter finally gained his attention long enough to ask him about his predilection for avoidance behavior.
Timmy is not the only one at Goldfarb, et. al. to avoid eye contact by using a portable electronic device. Susan Mitchell, a Summer intern in the accounts receivable department and the object of Timmy’s romantic fantasies, frequently pretends to thumb through her Zune mp3 player when in groups of more than four. It is for this very reason that she rarely notices Timmy staring at her in the cafeteria. Of course, when she does look toward him he immediately receives a flurry of non-existant texts from very important imaginary senior executives.
“I am not staring at Miss Mitchell,” Mr. Grafton was quick to add when questioned about his habits, “and I’m not faking it, I really have text messages.”
Simon Goldfarb, founder of Goldfarb, et. al. was quick to comment on his junior executive’s temerity. “I really thought Timmy would be a go-getter when I promoted him from the associate pool. The kid never looks anyone in the eye. It’s creepy. What’s with all the fake texting with that kid, anyways?”
What indeed? For more insight I consulted Dr. Poznan Voorhees. Dr. Voorhees is a research psychologist specializing in complex behavior impairments. “This guy’s just kind of a woos, really.” Dr. Voorhees explained. “He’s not Alpha material, that’s all there is to it. The fake text message thing is troubling, too.”
Further questions about this situation to Mr. Grafton via text messages went unanswered.
Autonomous Military Robots – A Navy Perspective
The U.S. Navy has published an interesting report on the risks inherent in creating increasingly complex, deadly, autonomous killing machines. Apparently, those of us who have been warning of the dangers are not crazy after all.
Some highlights? Oh this is GREAT stuff.
Emergent Behaviors: “…increasing complexity may lead to Emergent behaviors, i.e., behaviors not programmed but arising out of sheer complexity”..
There’s a breakdown of unclassified robotic technology currently in use. This is good stuff for technophiles.
There’s a lengthy discussion of the laws of robotics, including the ethical dilemnas of enforcing the Rules of Engagement associated with the laws of armed conflict.
I highly suggest those with an interest add this to their library on the subject.
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